Leonard confronts modern coffee

I made a colossal mistake the other day. I tried to explain Starbucks to my neighbor, Leonard. Wanda June, his long-suffering wife, had tried and failed. I’m not sure either Wanda June, nor I, really understood how the whole process works. It’s complicated. 

Because Leonard has a little problem with his knees, he spends a lot of time waiting while Wanda June shops. A week or so ago, he waited across from a Starbucks while Wanda June made the after-Christmas and Valentine sales. Wanda June is a serious shopper. Leonard is a serious watcher. 

He must have spent the whole time doing research on the Starbucks process. Totally confused, he wasn’t sure what that “coffee place” had to offer. His daughter lives in Oregon where every corner has a coffee shop, and he spent some time there last summer, so he should have been aware of the process. Obviously not.

But Leonard is old-school, and he doesn’t understand that a “cup of coffee” is not just a “cup of coffee” anymore. Soon, our local grocery store is going to have a real … live … Starbucks. It’s under construction now. The menu went up before the kiosk walls did. 

“How do you get a cup of coffee?” Leonard asked. 

“Well,” I hedged, “what kind of coffee do you want? What size? What do you want in it? Do you want it cold or hot? With caffeine or decaffeinated? Do you want milk or foam? Do you want it with crushed ice or just cold? Do you want tea?”

His eyes glazed over. I decided to go in for the kill shot. “Also, you’ve got to tell them what size cup you want? Do you want a “tall,” which is the 12-ounce small cup? Don’t confuse this with a “short” 8-ounce cup … which you can get, but it is not on the menu. If you like the coffee, you’ll probably want the medium sized cup, called a “Grande.” It is 16-ounces, more or less.” Wrinkles started to deepen on his forehead. 

“There’s more,” I said and smiled. “Venti …. Pronounced Ven-tee is bigger. It’s 20 ounces for a hot drink and 24 ounces for a cold drink?” I made up something about the vents in the cup holders to prevent the twenty ounces of hot liquid from burning your hand and the twenty-four ounces of iced drink causing frost-bite. 

“Why do they have cup holders?” I explained the coffee is really hot, to which he asked why they didn’t use Styrofoam cups. I reminded him that Starbucks came from the hippy section of the country where everything is recycled, and Styrofoam cups have a half-life of three centuries in a land-fill. 

I could see him dreaming of that cracked, white china cup down at the root beer stand.

I didn’t go over the “espresso” significance or the “latte” which contained foamy skim milk. I didn’t need to get into the non-coffee drinks because I knew Leonard. He doesn’t drink hot tea; he’s pretty sure that Chai is a Communist-front drink, created by that guy Kim-Chai something; and he’s pretty sure that whipped cream should be put on pie, not coffee.

The breaking point came when Leonard got to the right side of the menu. He decided to skip the calorie count and go right to the price. “Do you realize I can get a chicken fried steak at the café for what they charge for a cup of coffee with skim milk and added air?”

Leonard will probably not be having a Venti Macchiato with half-caf or an extra shot of espresso. He’ll be having a large water, with lemon … across the street … where it’s free.