Duct tape and dog doors — life's blessings

And on the fourteenth day, God approved the use of Duct Tape. At least that’s the way I see it. For a woman with three screwdrivers, a vice grip, and a circle saw that doesn’t have the regulation three prong plug, Duct Tape is the answer to many a dilemma. One such event happened a couple of weeks ago.

You see, it’s busy at my house, and I don’t have time to put up with broken bits of anything. Last Monday when I opened my office, the parking lot (read that “the street in front of my house”) was crowded with people anxiously awaiting my expertise (read that “they got their W2s”). When I opened the front door, it was like a zombie apocalypse. Needy, cold, sleepy people made their way across my yard hoping to be next in line. 

Don’t guess ahead. I did not Duct Tape them to the porch. I greeted them with an artificial smile and told them I’d “get to them in a minute.” Of course, I didn’t mean “a minute.” I just wanted to give them hope that they’d be out of there by Ash Wednesday. 

My new dog, which also was not Duct Taped to the wall but should have been more concerned about keeping Mama happy, was not happy with the number of people trespassing on her yard. Dixie is new to my family, and really inexperienced as a greeter. She’d never make it at Walmart. She’s too young.

Dixie didn’t care much for ball caps. She was a little intimidated by a full beard on one older gentleman, and she really hated that crutch with the three prongs used by one old lady. It was embarrassing. I had to do something, fast. 

So, I enticed Dixie out the back door with a piece of dead bacon and shut the door. I have a solid door and a storm door into which I’ve installed a pet door. Usually the two dogs come and go as they please during the day … since the solid door is left open. Dixie was offended that she was left outside … with the “big” door shut. 

I went about my business with the other dog Zuckie sleeping peacefully in the corner of my office. Maybe she was ready for some needed respite from Dixie’s exuberant personality. Zuckie snored loudly, but no one complained. 

At noon, as the crowd dissipated, I went to check on Dixie. She had torn the inserted pet door from the storm door, leaving a gaping hole. It was January. It promised to be really cold that evening and throughout the rest of the week. I called a contractor who promised to come in March and fill the gap.

I must admit, the storm door is old. It has several silver stripes around previous leaks, but this gap was too much for a three-inch-wide strip of Duct Tape to mend. Furthermore, I needed an operable pet door. 

That evening after work, I set to work with a new roll of Duct Tape and managed to re-install the pet door. Some of the plexiglass surrounding the opening had been pulled loose and wouldn’t go back flush with the door. I put together several strips to bridge the gap. I repositioned the pet door, which was in surprisingly good condition; added a few strips to the “flap” to mend a couple of torn areas; and declared it “a good thing.” I prayed it would last until March.

I expect any day to receive a call from the Walmart Do-it-Yourself Award Committee announcing me as one of their finalist in the annual Crappy Duct Tape Project contest. I’ll be right alongside of that guy who taped his headlight to the broken fender and that kid who has long strips holding down his trunk lid. I might even win.