As Seen On TV
You can see just about anything on television these days. And … if you haven’t seen it on TV, then you can probably find it in some slick, color advertising brochure which comes in the mail … almost every day. At least it does to my house. If you happen to miss it (because some thief was jealous and stole it from your mailbox, you can probably find it at your local big-box store in the “As Seen on TV” department.
Some of these items are real treasures. Ammo must be highly prized by shoppers in this department. Available are such items as ice-cube trays shaped like bullets, coffee cups and “shot” glasses which look very much like a shot-gun shell … for an elephant gun. You can get clocks in which everything from deer to politicians appear in the cross-hairs and the hands on the clock are … shells. You can get a belt with multiple “shell-flasks” to wear over your shoulder like a bandito. You can get a catsup dispenser shaped like a handgun and a bathroom plunger shaped like a rifle.
Don’t think these things are for basement dens or man-caves only. Nope. All the above come in pink and purple. So, you women out there, have not been overlooked.
Of course, the “As Seen on TV” ad also included the Smart Swab. It’s an electrified gadget for cleaning your ears. The picture didn’t show the process … just looked like a first-grade sized pencil being jammed into the ear of some smiling man who had no idea that his eardrum was about to be pierced. When I watched the video, I realized the “working” part of the implement had a plastic corkscrew and rotation system which brought the ear-wax to the surface like an auger in a coal mine. The video didn’t show the man during the treatment. I wondered if he was still smiling.
I guess the man could have used an old electric toothbrush or maybe a water-pick. I recently got a water-pick for myself, but haven’t ventured out into other places it might be useful. The dentist, who recommended it, was not amused when I suggested using it between toes, in the belly-button and other generally corroded places.
One of the worst things I found on the “As Seen on TV” website was the Fast Trap for bed bugs. Although I’ve never seen a bed bug, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to buy something that gives the nasty little creatures two weeks to find the trap hidden under the bed … “or in a closet nearby.” Yuck. Call the exterminator or find another motel.
Of course, there were some dandy items. Men’s t-shirts and muscle shirts can be ordered in the new “insta-slim” version. No more beer gut. No more muffin tops hanging over the belt. No more jiggly-belly to spoil your Saturday afternoon trip to the bar. As my great-aunt Lena used to say, “Fat, like murder, will out.” So, these men are going to wind up with muffin-necks and jiggly armpits.
Not a pretty thought. Just get them a girdle and a long-tailed cotton shirt.
I did not order any of these items from the magazine, nor did I buy them at Walmart. I didn’t get a belt with a retractable two-inch section for “comfort” after a feast.
I didn’t order a rear-view movie camera for my car mirror. I’d be distracted by the video of my grandchildren fighting in the back seat and have a wreck. I didn’t get the hurricane toilet cleaner or the bug zapper in the shape of a mosquito.
No, I’ll have to pass on these and not live my life “As Seen on TV.”